My Reality - 1.1.2011

I often find it easy to meld into a world where music has color and pain is easily forgotten, let go in the color it produces the moment it is felt rather then bottled up inside of ones person and ignored. I used to be afraid of the strange effects synesthesia had over me. I used to worry that I actually was crazy. Fighting to ignore it as though it was a curse that needed to be forgotten or over powered before, God forbid, it over powered me. I cherish the moments in which I find that I can stop and savor each tone of color as it passes over me, for in the business of life they are often pushed to the background of my conscience so that I may focus on other things. I linger mournfully over the memories of moments in which I caused those colors to saturate the air around me, either by gently coaxing them from the ivory clad keys of the old piano that begged to be played or caressing each note with my voice until it shone with its most beautiful potential. For deep within the two dimensions of black ink on paper lays a whole other world if you will, laden with emotions so heavy and powerful that the soul almost can not bare them. This is the place my spirit longs to escape to, the sweet green pasture of rest from this life of tortures. It is here that I find peace and remember life's sorrows no more. It is there, and only there, that I can dare to look at my soul and not mourn for something different. It is there that I can dare to relive memories of pain and sadness and finally feel closure. In this place I can relive moments of happiness and joy and not feel as though I have cheapened them in the remembrance. It is there that I find the courage to speak the words that simple will not form on my tongue. I would not change what was done, only how. I would not forfeit the moments spent, only prolong them. I would not spend so much time wishing over what I didn't know, but know now. I would not live in timid shadows if only I knew how to make this place my reality. For now, and always.

do you believe that there is one perfect "twin soul" for everyone?










I do. and I've lost mine forever.....

is there no truth and honesty left in this world?


just pain and hurt.

This is for you Morgan!

Techno

Lost inside my head
Blue black purple red
Barely breathing
Pulling my soul out of me

Pulses through my veins
Takes over my brain
Feels so good, crazy insane
Loose all control, feel no shame

More more - I'd give everything
To never lose this freeing feeling
The intenseness thats overwhelming
The sensations that take over my being

on techno and synesthesia

some of you might remember my first post when I talked about having music color synesthesia, part of that for me is intense "feels" and "impulses". Techno and electronic have the most impact on me.

this evening Slayer sent me a link and told me that a friend of his was dj-ing and that I should listen. I hadn't had it on more then 10 seconds before I was feeling trippy. hahah! its been so long since I listened to good music because back in the fall I was somewhat addicted to it and was using it to hide from things so that I didn't have to deal with them.

Tonight has been simply amazing. the colors are so sharp and clear and the intenseness of the music can't be matched. Insanely good.

so yeah trying to do some descriptions here....

its mostly black and its pulses like a heart beat or breaks over me like waves in the ocean. colors range from red to aqua to neon pink and green.

So easy to lose myself in it. hahah I love it so much! I'm not even doing it the justice it deserves.

Who needs drugs when you can get the same effect from great music and synesthesia?

Currently

Orange - bright screaming neon orange

Purple - deep rich dark purple with no gray in it at all

Pink - pale, soft, fuzzy pink

Maroon - well hot magenta really

and so many other colors that I can't even begin to explain.

It is purple, yellow - like the sunshine, green, blue and just a hint of red. It feels like sunshine, and strong and secrue like tall oak tree.

I'm losing my colors and at this point I don't even care

I've been losing them for a few months now...since I go home...as I started to lose them I started wondering if it was all in my head so I started reading email after email after email about it looking to see if it happened to anyone else...and indeed it does. They cite several reasons for it...stress, depression, deep sorrow, lose of a love one, confusion, unsurity, insecurity...everything I've been trying to deal with. Last night I completely lost them...I mean they are still there but all I see is black and white...no vivid orange or lush green...not even the ughly colors. I feel so empty now. Everyone says that they come back...but I don't know if I would even want them back...somedays it seems so overwhelming that I wish it would go away. I do miss the comforting feeling that I got with them...like a constant friend that never changed.